A Sinner Still Praying for Conversion (Part 1)

Last 2024, during the National Social Communications Convention, I met a priest who eventually became a friend. Recently, he invited me to give a recollection to his community.

At first, it wasn’t really a serious plan. It began as a joke — that I should visit him in his chaplaincy together with Yari, who was also a delegate at the convention and has remained a close friend even after we both resigned from our work.

But as often happens, the joke slowly turned into a real plan. After months of talking about it, we eventually found ourselves booking tickets to Manila.

Strangely though, as the days drew nearer, I did not feel excited.

I was battling something emotional at the time, and part of me simply did not feel like going. Many questions also filled my mind. Why us? We are not masters of this craft. We are not religious. I am no longer actively involved in the local Church as a volunteer. I wondered what we could possibly offer.

Then, as if things were not already complicated enough, I got sick. I developed a dry cough and a congested nose. When I went for a check-up, the doctor also told me that my blood pressure was high and advised me to try taking hypertension medication for two weeks and rest.

All of these things made me reconsider the trip.

To be honest, I really did not want to go.

But deep inside, I also knew something else.

I had already committed. I wanted to be reliable. And more than that, I knew this was something being done for the Lord.

I also remembered how much I had recently been blessed — especially being able to travel to Thailand and experience a time of rest and gratitude.

So in the end, despite the hesitation, the doubts, and the sickness, I said yes.

As I was preparing the slides for my talk, I found myself asking: What do I really have to offer these people?

My topic was Prayer and Fasting, and as I reflected on it more deeply, I realized something important. In many ways, I myself am a product of long-term prayer, and I have been practicing fasting since 2019.

While preparing my slides, I tried to summarize what I had learned about prayer. I realized that answered prayers often follow certain truths:

• They happen according to God’s wisdom, not our timing.
• They will never begin with evil or the destruction of others.
• And often, they seem to come more quickly when we fast, when we show the Lord our sincerity and complete trust in Him.

My journey with prayer really began in 2015. I remember going to the Simala Shrine, the shrine of Mama Mary in Lindogon. I prayed there for conversion.

At first, I hesitated even to choose a candle for that intention because it was not cheap. But later I realized that conversion was exactly what I needed to pray for.

During that time, something within me changed. I suddenly had a deep desire to pray. I even thought that perhaps I was being called to become a nun, so that I could dedicate my life to prayer. I tried discerning that path twice — once in an active congregation and once in a contemplative one. But eventually I realized that perhaps the Lord was asking me first to do some inner work before truly discerning that vocation.

I prayed for conversion because, at that time, I felt that my moral compass was either missing or broken. I entered relationships that were not meant for me. I did not always respect others, and often I did not respect myself. I often gave parts of myself away in search of affection and love — things I longed for but did not fully receive growing up from my biological parents.

Then in 2018, something happened that deepened my prayer life. I received the gift of tongues, which intensified my desire to pray. Through my community, the Holy Infant Community, I was also introduced to the practice of fasting and more intentional prayer.

Over time I realized that conversion is not an easy thing to ask for. It is also not easy to live out — especially if you have been carrying habits and wounds since you were young, habits that may have hurt other people along the way.

This is when I began to understand something about prayer. God is not like a restaurant where we simply choose what we want from a menu. He is not like an ATM where we insert a card and immediately receive what we ask for.

Yes, God can perform miracles. But that does not mean He always will in the way we expect.

Sometimes, while waiting for our prayers to be answered, something else happens: we begin to change. We become more patient. We become more hopeful. We begin to look beyond ourselves and start praying for other people as well.

Another realization I had is that answered prayers will never be destructive or hurtful.

In 2023, our family went through a painful conflict. Old resentments surfaced, and harsh truths were spoken. I felt isolated, as if I was no longer truly part of the family I grew up in. I was deeply hurt by how I was dismissed.

Then, one after another, tragedies began to happen.

In March 2024, Mama died.
In September 2024, my older nephew was suddenly sent home from Africa because he was crying blood.
In November 2024, my brother-in-law died.
In December 2024, another painful situation shook the family even more.
Then in January 2026, my younger nephew died in an accident.

At one point I found myself asking the Lord a painful question:

Did I somehow pray for these things to happen?
Was my anger so great that this is what our family is facing now?

Many of my priest friends helped me understand the truth. They reminded me that God is all-seeing and that He loves every person.

So no — these things did not happen because of my anger or my prayers.

Some things in life simply happen in a broken world.

And yet, even in the midst of pain, prayer remains the place where we bring our confusion, our grief, and our questions to God.