Learning to Receive Joy

My last article, “Looya Nako Uy,” was written during a moment when I was reflecting on how I sometimes see myself. For a long time, I realized I carried this quiet belief that maybe people would only care for me if I appeared pitiful. That if others saw me as “looy,” they would feel compassion. They would stay. They would love me.

So, without even noticing, I sometimes allowed myself to sit in that identity — the girl who is struggling, the one people feel sorry for.

But while writing that article, God slowly opened my eyes to something uncomfortable. Maybe I had become used to seeing myself that way. Maybe I had believed that being pitiful was the safest way to be seen.

But lately, I’ve started noticing another side of that mindset.

If I am used to seeing myself as pitiful… maybe that is also why I struggle to accept good things when they come. Because blessings don’t fit the image of someone who is “looy.”

So, when something good happens — a trip, a moment of joy, a small luxury — part of me becomes uneasy.

Almost like I need to explain it
Almost like I need to justify it

And lately, I’ve been asking myself a strange question:

Do I actually know how to receive blessings?

Because if I’m honest, I think I struggle with it.

Recently I traveled again — something I decided I would do for myself once a year during my birthday season.

In 2025, it was Taiwan.
In 2026, it was Thailand.

The trips were generally simple. Not luxurious. Not extravagant. Just a few days away from the noise of everyday responsibilities. But there were moments too that felt… a little luxurious; like watching the Calypso Cabaret Show in Bangkok, cruising the Chao Phraya River and the bus tour.

I thought about my bills. I thought about the loans waiting for me back home. While I was there, something in my mind kept whispering:

What will people say?

Maybe they’ll think:

“Ah maayo man siya, single man gud siya.”
“Wala man siyay anak, mao maka-travel.”
“Daghan siguro siyag kwarta.”

Or maybe they will remember things I’m still carrying:

“Diba nag-resign siya?”
“Diba naa pa silay bayranan nga hospital bills?”
“Unsaon niya pag-travel?”

Sometimes I imagine people feeling envious.
Sometimes I imagine people judging.

And then I catch myself thinking:

Why am I explaining my blessings to imaginary critics?

The truth is, my life is not free from burdens.

I have bills.
I have loans.
I have responsibilities that sometimes keep me awake at night.

I am single. No husband, no children.

But that doesn’t mean my life is empty of weight.

And maybe that’s exactly why I travel.

Not because life is easy.

But because sometimes it gets lonely.

When my parents died, life changed in ways I’m still learning to navigate. Sometimes, when responsibilities pile up and everything feels heavy, the soul simply needs to breathe. Travel, for me, is breathing.

It’s stepping outside the routine long enough to remember that God’s world is still wide and beautiful.

But even while receiving those moments, another question rises in my heart.

Am I allowed to be happy while the world suffers?

We live in strange times.

Prices keep rising.
Wars appear in the news.
Many people are struggling just to survive.

So sometimes I wonder:

Is it strange that I am happy in some moments?

Is it wrong that I can still enjoy a quiet coffee in another country while somewhere else people are crying?

This tension has always existed in the human heart.

Joy and sorrow exist at the same time.

Even in Scripture we see this.

The world has always been broken. Yet God still allows His children to experience small mercies in the middle of it.

During my Thailand trip, I experienced so many moments that felt like quiet gifts.

Beautiful sunrise. Small provisions.
Moments where I felt the presence of God in ways I couldn’t even explain.

And I found myself thinking:

Lord, how do I repay You?

What can I possibly give back?

What can I do for You in a world that is already burning with conflict, suffering, and injustice?

And then I remembered something simple.

God never asked us to repay Him.

We cannot.

Grace is not a transaction.

Grace is a gift.

Maybe my real struggle is this:

I have experienced so much pain and heaviness in life that I don’t always know how to receive goodness when it arrives.

It almost feels suspicious.

Like joy must come with a warning.

Like blessings must have a hidden cost.

But maybe God is teaching me something new in this season.

Maybe He is teaching me how to receive without the guilt.

Not because I deserve it.
Not because I am good.
(Not even close.)

But because He is good.

Because He provides.

Because sometimes He simply wants His children to rest in the gifts He gives.

So maybe the question is not:

“Do I deserve this?”

Maybe the better question is:

“Can I trust the goodness of God when it comes?”

Can I open my hands instead of closing them?

Can I say thank You without apologizing for the blessing?

Can I allow joy to exist even in a world that still needs healing?

I am still learning.

But maybe gratitude is not measured by how much we refuse blessings.

Maybe gratitude is simply this:

Receiving what God gives and letting it turn our hearts back to Him.

If my life has taught me anything, it is this:

Pain will come.
Responsibilities will stay.
The world will remain imperfect.

But God still gives us moments of light.

A quiet trip.
A peaceful day.
A breath of joy.

And maybe it is not wrong to receive them.

Maybe it is a way of honoring the goodness of God.