A Sinner Still Praying for Conversion (Part 2)

Fasting is something deeply practiced in our community. We fast as a way of offering sacrifice, believing that when prayer is joined with fasting, our intentions are lifted more sincerely to God.

In the Catholic Church, we are required to fast only twice a year — on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. But in our community, we are encouraged to go beyond the minimum and truly learn how to partner prayer with fasting.

Fasting can take different forms. Sometimes it is a 12-hour fast, sometimes 24 hours, sometimes a water fast, where we take only liquids, or even a total fast, where we abstain from both solid food and drink for a period of time.

Through the years, many of us have witnessed how powerful prayer becomes when it is accompanied by sacrifice. Very often, our prayers are heard. Sometimes the answers do not come immediately, but many times — especially when the prayer is for others or for the community — we experience what can only be described as small miracles.

And each time this happens, we are reminded to return the glory where it belongs.

We simply give thanks to the Lord.

As I was about to wrap up my presentation and was adding notes for my talk, I browsed through Yari’s slides and saw the list of the different kinds of sins she planned to discuss:

1. rebelliousness
2. cheating, lying, cursing, stealing, green jokes, gossip
3. drugs and alcohol abuse
4. sexual sins
5. superstitions and non-Christian practices

Then suddenly, like a light bulb turning on, something struck me.

Maybe I was invited to give this recollection not because I was an expert in prayer or fasting, but because I was the perfect example of someone who is sinful and trying to repent.

So when I introduced myself to the community, I said jokingly but honestly,
“Kaunting pagpapakilala po… ako ho yung lahat ng binanggit ni Ate Yari.”

And then I added, “I am a product of intense prayer, and I am still praying for conversion.”

I began sharing parts of my past. I told them that I am a survivor of rape and molestation, and that these experiences, along with a deep lack of self-love, led me to develop unhealthy habits and relationships.

For a long time, I believed that by giving myself away—especially to men—I could somehow earn love in return. But as I grew older and became more self-aware, I realized that what I was actually doing was hurting other people, including other women, just so I could feel valued, just so I could experience something that I thought was love.

Eventually, life has a way of returning things to us. One day, it became my turn to experience what it feels like to be cheated on.

I remember we were on a trip together. That night, as we were about to sleep, I noticed I could not see his phone. I looked for it and eventually found it in his back pocket. I opened it. (Sana pala hindi ko na lang tinignan.)

But perhaps the Lord had His own way of revealing the truth.

There it was—an entire conversation with another woman. Nothing was even deleted. It was almost as if it had been left there waiting to be discovered.

My hands were shaking as I locked myself inside the bathroom. For a moment I thought of flushing the phone down the toilet out of anger. Instead, I simply reset it to its factory settings.

Before doing that, though, I saw the last message he had sent her. It was a photo of him about to board the ferry—coming to see me.

Even the endearments he used for me were the same ones he used for her. There were I love you’s, inappropriate videos, and exchanges that made me feel like I was losing my mind.

And that was only Day 1 of our trip.

Part of me thought maybe the Lord was already showing me that I should not stay. But my anxiety and confusion kept me there. I stayed on the trip. I stayed in the relationship for five more months.

I remember having a panic attack at the airport. I cried so much that I was almost not allowed to board the plane.

It was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced.

Months after we broke up, the anger still lingered. At one point I even sent him messages threatening that I would expose him—to his community, to his family, to everyone. I never actually did it, but I realized something painful in that moment.

I had done similar things to other women before.

And suddenly I understood the pain I had caused.

I felt so remorseful that I even thought about reaching out to some of those women to apologize. Now I understand why even years later—five years, ten years after the incident—some partners or wives still look at my social media accounts.

Because betrayal does not easily disappear.

It stays with you.

And the way a woman’s heart and memory work is mysterious. We may forget the exact details of what happened, but we never forget how it made us feel.

Although I was not able to share every detail of this story during the recollection, I wanted the people there to see something important:

A sinner.
A regular person.
Someone who still desires to serve God despite a broken past.

Because sometimes the people who want to serve God are also the people who know deeply how much they need His mercy.

And maybe that is the point.

People like me—people who are difficult to love because of the mistakes we have made—are not the ones who should be easily judged.

Perhaps we are the ones who most need prayers, patience, and compassion.

Because conversion is real.

And it is still happening.

Even now.